The Five Love languages - Love by default

Ah love. We all crave and yearn to be loved, it’s a fundamental part of being a human. Love is a wonderful, powerful emotion, and in relationships, each person expresses love in the way they would like to receive love.

 This concept, that we give and receive love differently is at the heart of the ‘The Five Love Languages’ book, written by Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Gary defines five different love styles and each style is a love language. Our love language is what makes us feel loved and most appreciated by others.

 To have a healthy relationship with your partner and connect on a deeper level, it is important to know not only what your love language is, but which love languages are important to your partner. Understanding these different ways of showing love will help you take the guesswork out of understanding your partner's needs and expectations.

 Dr. Gary’s Five Love Languages

 Love language 1: Words of affirmation

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation and love is this person’s communication of love. Expressing emotion and affection through words and hearing praises is what makes this type’s heart sing!  Words of affirmation can be as simple as:

 “You look stunning in that red dress.”

“I love the way you captured the light in that photo, you are such a talented photographer’.

“You always make me laugh”.

“I love you”.

 As simple as these words are, these small accolades can really go a long way in making your partner feel loved. On the other hand, hurtful or spiteful words can really hurt your partner if their love language is words of affirmation, and can be quite damaging in your relationship.

 Love Language 2: Acts of service

 If you or your partner are very action orientated, then this may be your love language. Acts of service is doing something for your loved one, knowing this is something that would help them, or that they would like for you to do.

 Acts such as cleaning the house, washing your partner’s car and ironing their clothes are all acts of service. It is important to note that acts of service should be performed positively, and with your partner’s happiness in mind.

 Any acts that are performed with a negative tone and are carried out as an obligatory measure i.e. taking on all the housework when you don’t want to, is not an act of service.

 Love Language 3: Receiving gifts

 Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; if your love language is receiving gifts, you thrive on the love, thoughtfulness, time and effort behind the gift. No matter how small the gift, this act shows that their partner is thinking of them even when they are not there.

Giving gifts can be buying their favourite ice-cream at the grocery store, picking up a souvenir when on a holiday, or remembering something they mentioned they liked in brochure and buying it for them.

 However, a missed birthday gift, or another special day or a quick fix thoughtless gift could be disastrous – so would the absence of gestures on other days.

 Love Language 4: Quality time

 This love type is all about undivided attention, and being present when in each other’s company without distractions, such as mobiles or tv. They just want pure, undivided attention bliss from their partner!

 This doesn’t mean you can't stay at home and watch Netflix, or just go for a swim together in your pool. No, this means that when you do any activity, your sole attention during that time is on and with your partner, without any distraction.

 Keep in mind as this person’s love language is focused on time. When you cancel a date, or forget a coffee catch-up or are busy checking work emails during time together, this love type can feel hurt and unimportant.

 Love Language 5: Physical touch

 When physical touch is someone’s love language, nothing is more impactful than the physical touch of a partner.

 This love language type isn’t necessarily into over-the-top PDA, or are overly sexual, but they do feel more connected in a relationship by physical touch. This includes holding hands, back rubs, hugs, and of course, sex.

 Forgetting to touch might cause the person to feel unwanted, undesired, and alone. So if your partner’s love language is physical touch, go ahead and grab their hand, or offer a back massage and see how much they will relish in your touch.

 And there you have the Five Love Languages.

As you can see, each love language is unique to a person, and as we usually give love the way in which we wish to receive love, this is often incompatible with our partner's love language type. Therefore, it is essential to understand and respond to your partner’s unique love language type, which can make them feel more secure and truly loved and appreciated in the relationship.

However, the five Love languages are not only relevant to romantic relationships, but also in your friendships and when at work interacting with your team and colleagues. It extends to all relationships .

I welcome you to reflect on your own love language and that of your partners and consider how you can use this knowledge to strengthen your relationship. If you need support in this or any other relationship blocks, help is available through https://stepaheadcounselling.com.au/fees-appointments.