Perfectionism: its dark side and five strategies to achieve a more realistic, balanced vision of success.

Perfectionism is often viewed as a positive trait that can lead to successful outcomes. High achievers meet their goals, and this can lead to a feeling of accomplishment.  However, there is a dark side to perfectionism, and one that is often not spoken about.

Persistent ruminations about achieving perfection can often lead to self-defeating thoughts or behaviours that actually make it more difficult to achieve our goals and can cause anxiety, stress, low self-esteem, relationship problems and mental health issues.

What is perfectionism?

A perfectionist is someone who has a personality that strives for perfection and flawlessness. This is often accomplished through fixating on every possible scenario or option, trying to control situations, putting off making decisions and/or being critical of the self or others.

Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, and to believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection.

Downfall of being a perfectionist

The problem with wanting to achieve perfectionism for most of the time, and for most decisions, is that perfectionists tend to achieve less and stress more than regular high achievers.

Because perfectionism is characterised by an excess and disproportionate need to control, perfectionists tend to procrastinate making decisions and can be overly critical. Perfectionists also tend to be all or nothing thinkers, who are preoccupied with making sure that everything is flawless, and this can lead to overthinking, and less doing.

The problem with perfection, is that it doesn’t truly exist. The more you achieve, the more the perfection baseline moves.

What causes perfectionism?

The root of perfectionism is believing your self-worth is based externally, and on your achievements. If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned in childhood that other people valued you because of your accomplishments or achievement.

Perfectionism is encouraged in some families, and many perfectionists grew up with unrealistic expectations from parents and caretakers. These parents/caregivers may have required straight A’s in every subject at school, or for the child to win every sporting match and spelling Bee. They highly praised and rewarded the child when they excelled, and punished and harshly criticised the child when they didn’t.

Perfectionism is encouraged when children are praised excessively for their achievements rather than their efforts or progress.  Children have a strong desire to please adults, and are at the mercy of said adults when it comes to building their self-worth.

Perfectionism can also be learned by children growing up around rigid and highly successful perfectionist parents, who model this way of thinking and acting. In these families, failing to excel is not tolerated nor excusable, as the parents have built their self-worth on the success of their children.

How to overcome perfectionism

1.       Become more aware of your perfectionist tendencies: Take the time to pause and pay attention to your thought patterns around perfectionism about a certain task/project/decision. Once we are aware of how we allow perfectionism to take hold of our lives, we will be more able to better take charge of our thoughts around the issue.

2.       Stick to a schedule: Help to manage your time and avoid procrastination, or overly critical catastrophising thoughts by organising your tasks/project into smaller steps and dedicating specific amounts of time to each. Set timers and use reminders to help you stay on track.

3.       Play what-if. To help shift your thinking when a triggering feeling of perfectionism arises, ask yourself about the best, worst, and most likely scenarios.

4.       Forgive yourself and be realistic: Perfectionists tend to beat themselves up over any perceived failure, even when running to an appointment five minutes late. We are humans, and through failures and mistakes is where growth happens. Compassion for ourselves is crucial. We will make mistakes, and that’s okay.

5.       See a Counsellor: People who strive for perfection out of feelings of inadequacy or failure may find it helpful to speak with a counsellor

Perfectionism isn’t necessarily about being perfect; it’s about feeling perfect. But we need to find that worth within. For help with perfectionist tendencies, or feelings of low self-esteem or value, visit: stepaheadcounselling.com.au.