6 tips for dealing with relationship conflict
Happily Ever After is the fairy tale ending we are told from a young age.
There is an ideological myth that is perpetuated through movies and social media that if you loved someone you wouldn’t fight with them. This is simply not true. Even the most successful partnerships are prone to the occasional disagreement, tiff, quarrel and so on.
Whilst the presence of conflict alone does not predict the end of a relationship, one of the greatest predictors of a relationship’s failure is a couple’s inability to manage their conflict in a respectable and healthy manner.
What causes conflict in a relationship?
A relationship usually brings people together with different backgrounds, family upbringings, cultures and who have alternate views and perceptions of the world. Adding to that is the physical and emotional closeness of a partnership, therefore it is inevitable that there can be conflict sometimes.
The root of conflict in relationships may be in differences of opinion, beliefs, perspective, personality, or needs not being met.
Conflict in a relationship can also occur when couples try to resolve their differences. It may be surprising to know, but in many cases trying to resolve differences can cause further issues— as often the meaning behind the conflict can’t be changed or resolved (i.e. someone’s personal opinion on a subject), therefore it is healthier to manage the differences that are causing the conflict.
How to resolve conflict healthily
The most critical aspect of conflict is in its resolution. There will always be disagreements and differences of opinion of one kind or another in relationships, and it is healthy to feel safe enough to voice these.
In healthy relationships, points of conflict can help the couple feel more connected, heard, and understood. This is because partners feel safe that they can talk about the issue, hear one another and repair when or where needed.
Relationship expert and psychologist Dr John Gottman writes, “Happy relationships aren’t relationships where there is no fighting. They are relationships where repairs are made after regrettable incidents happen – and where a couple connect with each other day to day.”
In healthy conflict, couples are gentle with one another. They stick to ‘I’ statements, where they take ownership of their feelings, as opposed to ‘you’ statements which can result in their partner getting defensive and feeling attacked. They communicate how they feel without blaming their partner, they do not criticize or name call. They ask for and then listen to their partner’s perspective, feelings and needs to help influence their own view and perspective of the conflict, which then allows for compromise to occur.
6 tips for dealing with relationship conflict
1. Couples/relationship Therapy
The concept of connection and repair in a conflict situation is new to many people. Most couples I have supported in ‘couples therapy’ have never seen their parents fight, or alternatively, have witnessed their parents having very unhealthy fights wrought with negativity and contempt.
Communication skills are learnt from a young age, and mostly from our primary surroundings. Therefore, most of us did not have role models for how to have a healthy, successful conflict discussion and don’t know how to do it, or even where to begin. Counselling can provide couples with the tools to manage their conflict, repair their relationship, and rebuild closeness, trust, and safety.
2. Individual Therapy
It is common for counsellors to work individually with one partner who wants to seek counselling, but their partner is not yet ready to do so. Individual counselling can be an effective way to improve a relationship, and your counsellor can help you understand your role in the relationship dynamic, and provide you with tools and insights that can start to shift your relationship in a positive direction.
3. Soft start
Research has shown that how an argument starts, determines how it will end. Gottman states that, “96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the interaction!” So, if you start a topic with criticism (or what Gottman calls a harsh start up), the chances of that conversation ending well is not good.
To set your conversation up with success, it is important to bring up your concerns gently for a ‘soft start’. Try these steps:
1. State how you feel about the issue. Make sure you use ‘I feel’ followed by a feeling word (disappointed, sad, hurt, rejected, lonely, etc.). It is important to note that if ‘I feel’ is followed by ‘like’ or ‘that’, chances are you are no longer talking about feelings.
2. Describe what is upsetting you without passing judgment or blame. In other words, state the facts of the situation. E.g. “I feel hurt that you forgot my birthday and went out for work drinks instead of spending the evening with me.”
3. Let your partner know what you need from them, clearly and concisely. This will help them in resolving the issue. E.g. “I feel hurt that you forgot my birthday and went out for work drinks instead of spending the evening with me. I would really appreciate it if you could set up a calendar reminder every year for my birthday, and plan something for us in the evenings.”
4. Listen to Your Partner
After you share your feelings with a soft start-up, the conversation has begun, and it is essential that you take time to really listen to one another so you both feel heard and understood. When listening, it’s important to remain patient, and not look for gaps so you can give your side or rebuttal. Listening is about being present in the conversation, curious to your partner’s perspective and involves asking open-ended questions, reflecting, and clarifying anything that you are unsure of.
5. Take a short break if needed
If you or your partner feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded it is important to take a short break. Taking a breather from the conversation will allow you to self-regulate yourself through deep breathing, going for a walk or journaling. This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts so that you can have a more meaningful dialogue with your partner. Make sure you agree on a time to return to the conversation, so that the situation can be resolved.
6. Date Nights
Did you know that the strength of your friendship determines your ability to manage conflict healthily? That is why it is important to carve out time to intentionally nurture and foster your friendship, so that you can then enter conflict discussions with a feeling of being on the same team.
That is why couple’s therapists, including myself, encourage date nights. Date nights give couples an opportunity to connect, have fun and talk about things other than chores, children, work, finances and functioning in general. Date nights don’t have to be long or expensive—it can be a game of cards after dinner at home, a coffee out on a Sunday morning where you refamiliarize yourself with your partner’s love maps, or a walk in the park where you reminisce and discover each other’s love languages. Importantly, make sure you are connecting on these dates and having fun!
Final thoughts on conflict
When we have a disagreement with our partner, it is an opportunity. An opportunity to repair something in our relationship that could escalate if not addressed. When we take the time to hear our partner, show them empathy and share our side, it provides the chance for both parties to learn something new about each other that you may not have known had the conflict not occurred.
To avoid a loss of trust, damage to intimacy, or behaviour that further upsets the relationship, it is essential that the couple seek to repair conflict through effective and healthy conflict resolution. If you need support, counselling can be effective in helping you develop a deeper bond of intimacy through conflict resolution and repair, which will help sustain your relationship in the long-term.
Maria Souza, Step Ahead Counselling: Step Ahead Counselling